Why Did my Ex Start Following My Accounts?

A few weeks ago my ex-fiance who I haven't spoken to in over twelve years began following a good portion of my social media accounts. Long story short, he followed and I sent a message asking why - he told me it was basically just to see how I was doing, but then promptly unfollowed. Strange, right? Not really. So many people wonder why their ex randomly starts following them on social media, only to never find out. My question is, should 'Why?' even be our first question?

The first day and a half that my ex began following me I couldn't figure out why. Left spinning, curiously questioning to the point of total mental distraction, my ego could not take it - it simply craved to know! WHY was this man wondering about me after twelve years?! Lots of people wonder about their ex's I suppose, but after no contact for 12 years? I figured his motives were innocuous enough, but after spending hours ruminating on potential answers I recognized that 'Why' wasn't the right question. Of course I didn't recognize this crucial bit of information until about an hour after I'd already sent him a message asking for clarity. Sure, my ego was dying to know but something deep within, my spirit asked me something similar and unexpected: Why do you care?

Hint: it's not what you think. When we find ourselves in these predicaments, instead of analyzing things to death and asking our shamelessly attention-hungry egos the question of why, we need to look inward. We should seek an answer deep from within because the why isn't what we assume that it is: the 'why' is for questioning ourselves, as in 'why do I so desperately need to know?'

Once I received the question 'why do you care' from spirit I stopped dead in my tracks, astounded. Yes, indeed, why do I care? Thus, I asked the only question that matters in instances such as this: What is this current moment in time, what is the universe itself...attempting to teach me?

In order to answer that question, I was required to dig deeper. It was hard because if I only need to answer the question why, I could just ask my ex. However, in order to answer what the universe is attempting to teach me, I needed to take a good long look at myself.

At first it didn't seem so obvious, but spirit asked me to reflect on that period of my life. What were your emotions in that space in years past? How did you feel? How did you handle potential conflicts and reconciliations? How did love show up in your life and in yourself? In what ways are you different now?

In tapping into my own self-awareness I was able to find that the universe had a few different reflections of myself it wanted for me to see. Back in those days I was easy to anger. I was defensive and even a bit cruel. My single biggest coping mechanism for pain in relationships aside from drinking was control. Any way that I might be able to control the narrative about how I was perceived by others brought me enormous relief through the validation of mutual spectators. Injustice was my motivation. If I could get everyone to see me as the good guy and everyone else as the bad guy, that was a win. Or even if I could deflect blame from myself onto someone else, that was good enough. In truth I was so incredibly insecure, suffering from a gaping abandonment wound that all I desperately wanted was to be seen and loved. In my mind, if I wanted to be loved I couldn't be the bad guy. Not to say that I ever lied, as I have never been much of a liar - but using manipulation wasn't beyond the scope of what I considered a morally acceptable solution.

Ultimately, spirit wanted me to see that the woman in the mirror today is nothing like the young broken woman in the mirror of old. Occasionally it's important that we reflect back on our own journey and our past selves to remember that we aren't that person anymore. We move differently. We truly understand love and the need for compassion and kindness for others and for ourselves in all moments.

Another realization came on the heels of healing - back then I needed closure and I always sought it outside of my self. No matter the relationship, whether intimate or friendly I insisted on talking it out. I demanded that the other person let me know what it was that I had done so wrong. I think it was another way for my ego to seek validation and control, and to push away any personal accountability. I didn't know at the time that accountability and blame were two different things. All I knew was that if I became the bad guy, I would lose any chance of being loved.

Now I recognize that those observations were distorted through the lens of unresolved childhood trauma and false beliefs of who deserves love. Being deserving of love is not contingent on what we do, it's contingent on nothing but our commitment to who we really are. If we cannot be authentic in the way we show up in the world and hold ourselves in care and trust, we cannot be available to love. It is not that we are undeserving, as we are always deserving of our own love but some are incapable of allowing love to move within freely. Lying to ourselves about who we really are prevents us from receiving even our own love because we must know that we are inherently deserving through just being. When we are lying to ourselves we are not being, but instead we are pretending, performing. Performing is inherently doing, not being. If you find value in only what you have to give in your outward performance, love cannot move within you. Distrust sews the seed of discord. Who can you trust to love you if you cannot trust yourself to love you?

These lessons were ones I'd learned through the years of looking back on the time of my ex and our shared relationship. I was merely a child then, barely able to claim adulthood. I certainly had no emotional regulation skills, relationship skills, or self-awareness. Meandering down that dusty old road in my stored memory bank allowed me to see where I'd been, where I am, and where I want to go.

Recognizing that the answer I was looking for to the question of why wasn't within my ex but instead inside gave me great pause, and then a smile. I'm proud of where I am, what I've achieved. I'm joyful and grateful. A reminder from the universe to pull back, quiet the ego, and truly listen for the lesson was exactly what I needed. Also, a reminder that this work is indefinite keeps me on the path toward peace and what I consider to be my ultimate healing. And of course I appreciate the cosmic reminder that being, not doing, is the answer to all questions.

The question from the beginning was always why, but first we must answer the question of who. The answer to that question is always YOU.