Why Did I Feel Terrible After a Massage?!

The Backstory

The weather was nice outside - not too hot, not too cold and I was filled with excitement to attend my first ever massage therapy appointment. Never since I'd become a mother had I really done something just for the caretaking and comfort of being in my body. The air swept past me as I walked, almost too quickly in anticipation toward the front door of the parlor. I opened the door and took in a deep, unexpected gasp of air. Unknowingly holding my breath, I stepped inside.

The interior was calming, almost serene. There wasn't any noise except for the gentle sounds of a nature track playing in the background. As I began absorbing everything, I was interrupted for check-in. The rest of the visit is a blur until I'm already on the table, meeting the masseuse. Immediately, I feel at ease. She's a Jersey girl, living in the midwest with her husband and family. She's not what I expected for an east-coaster. Typically less vulnerable in conversation and only amicable to meet the minimum requirement of cordial, she wasn't like most northeast chicks. She was warm. She was kind. She was open.

Immediately my brain starts in with its anxious inner critic: 'She's nice for now, until she notices how fat you are!' Lovely to see you again, Ms. critic. I have to say I'm less than thrilled to be in this conversation with you in my head at the moment. Why don't you try again, oh, never? 'She's only being nice because it's her job. She can obviously see you've let yourself go.' I remember letting out a big sigh of exhaustion. Taxing isn't a strong enough word to describe the draining feeling you experience from constantly battling your anxious inner critic day and night. But, what if it was right this time?

As I laid there and attempted to focus on the therapist's words instead of those inside my head, I realized I'd once again been out of my body this entire time. Several minutes had already passed into the massage and I hadn't really noticed. After recognizing I'd been absent for so long, I eased myself back into my senses.

Panic after massage

All of a sudden, the room smelled sickening - several odors mixing into one giant plume of essential oil madness hit my nose so hard I could feel my stomach churning. The sensations I felt in my body were completely foreign to me - they didn't quite hurt, but didn't always feel good. The sensory piece of the whole experience overwhelmed me to the point of complete nausea. Off and on throughout the session I'd leave my body to jump back into my mind where things were not always less overwhelming, but at the very least more familiar.

The massage itself when I was fully present actually was quite pleasant, and the therapist was an absolute pleasure. She made me feel safe and un-judged, which is precisely what I needed. She was also quite knowledgable too. I really, really liked her as a practitioner and a person.

When it was all over, she left to allow me privacy to get dressed. Still in survival mode, as always, I attempted to hop up so I could hurry back to the massive to do list waiting at home, only I couldn't get up right away. My body had somehow turned into jelly and my head was swimming with something I could only describe as some sort of high. Now I know that this feeling is from endorphins and the release of tension build up, but at the time it felt quite impairing. Immediately my damaged nervous system flagged this jelly-like state and a brain high as unsafe. Instead of taking a minute to really listen to my body and lean into the feelings, I threw on my remaining clothes and quite literally rushed out of the parlor to the parking lot. I remember the feelings becoming more intense on my feet in the bright sun outside. I jerked the car door open, jumped in the seat, and grabbed the steering wheel, white knuckle tight. The pressure in my hands caused me to feel my racing heartbeat through my arms. My chest muscles began to tighten and I couldn't breathe. Luckily, or unluckily depending on how you look at it, I'd been here before. I was having a panic attack.

I sat in the stationary car for a few minutes attempting to fend off the panic I felt raging through my body in the form of multiple adrenaline bursts. Somehow I talked myself down and felt okay enough to begin driving. Instead of exploring the feelings and sensations of what had just happened I thought, 'Well, I'm never having a massage again." And that was that.

Now I tell you all of this to say: I did go back. Not to that place, as I'd moved before I got another opportunity, but I started with a new therapist in a new town two years later. What I figured out was absolutely life changing.

Why do some people feel bad after a massage?

In between the first and second massage I'd learned a lot about being present in the body and about how trauma is stored in the body. Anyone with childhood trauma, PTSD, complex PTSD, and in some cases anxiety, depression, or other mental health disorders stores their actual traumatic memories and bad feelings in the body. This is done subconsciously and separate from what the brain stores about emotions and traumatic events. The brain-body connection is severed, and many of us begin living inside of our minds instead of in our bodies.

Releasing stored emotions

The funny thing is that you don't even need to be triggered to experience pain or discomfort in the body from these negative stored emotions - it can happen anytime. The good news is that it can all be released by staying present, doing body work, and reframing the experiences for the body and mind. In other words, if the body has designated anything outside of its own normal experience as dangerous or uncomfortable, it typically signals us to avoid that activity. Some people, like myself, end up classifying everyday experiences as unsafe - such as a massage just because it is unfamiliar. Rewiring our brain to accept discomfort as a part of life instead of something that should be avoided at all costs helps build healthy resiliency and opens us to a freer, happier path.

Relaxation isn't always relaxing...

The second time I had a massage it went similarly to the first, only the new therapist went a little deeper which causes some strong unpleasant feelings. I remember leaving and feeling that same head rush, that same jelly-like body feeling and beginning to panic and then it dawned on me - is this what people mean when they say they're feeling relaxed? However, because I hadn't felt relaxed mentally or physically in over a decade, my body immediately flagged relaxation as something that was critically wrong. Once I had the realization that I was panicked because I was relaxed, I burst out laughing. The laughter stopped the panic mechanism, because the body can't very well panic when it's relaxed enough to laugh. It's the little things that become big things sometimes that pave the way toward transformation, and just reframing the emotions I felt and the bits of sensory information I was experiencing dramatically changed the way I viewed life in that moment.

Don't brace for discomfort. Instead, welcome it!

Instead of bracing for relaxation like I used too, now I welcome it. Instead of thinking that the massage will be harmful to me in some way, I remind my body that I'm right there and I'm in control. I remind my body that discomfort or even pain does not mean that anything is wrong. In building trust with my body through discomfort resiliency, I'm showing up for myself in a way that dramatically transforms the way my body interacts with the world.

Ease into new experiences to build resiliency

Now, after easing into massage therapy again over the last several months, I am able to do many things I never would have been able to before such as deep tissue massage, fascia manipulation, deep stretches, and cupping. I'm showing my body too that it's more than okay to have new experiences in safe environments, even when the outcome is unknown.

Relaxation used to be a huge panic trigger for me. Now, relaxation is a part of my weekly routine, albeit I am working toward it being a daily habit. Now that I've re-established the mind-body connection, I have less feelings of anxiety, I sleep better, and many of my once serious somatic symptoms have greatly been reduced or have disappeared altogether.

Focus on re-establishing the mind-body connection

Accepting that healing, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually is an ongoing forever process takes the pressure off of feeling like I need to reach a state of completion. Knowing that it truly is more about the journey and less about the destination brings me a sense of peace and freedom from clinging to things like outer acceptance and perfectionism. Understanding that my own self-liberation and self-awareness is a big piece of the cosmic puzzle of why I am here brings me comfort and freedom. Shedding fear through mind-body re-integration and rebuilding trust with body is a huge accomplishment on the journey for any of us who have taken the leap. Just keep going.