What to Expect When Establishing Boundaries

Boundaries are crucial to preserving your inner peace. Why, you ask? Boundaries are the lines between ourselves and others. They provide a framework for interaction amongst two individuals. Boundaries clearly and effectively communicate what you will and will not do. In essence, they are your metaphorical lines in the sand. 

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are intended to protect our autonomy and our needs. However, just because they’re healthy does not mean that everyone around us will be thrilled by boundaries, especially if they are a person with loose boundaries. Some people see boundaries as a threat to connection. In actuality, they’re critical to healthy connection. Love is often pitched to us as a do-anything, say-anything, unconditional scenario with no anticipated natural consequences. People who grow up in households where enmeshment, codependency, or mental health issues are prevalent are often people who grow up to have loose boundaries. When the messaging heard all of your life is, ‘love means no personal limits’ or ‘boundaries are not love’, it leaves no room for one to have thoughts, feelings, or personal space. In these types of environments, one is likely to grow up with a natural aversion to boundaries. Thankfully, I’m here to clear a few things up for you. 

Boundaries are love. They’re an act of self-love and an act of love for those who engage with you. When you express a boundary, you’re giving clarity and direction to the other person. Expressing a boundary effectively lets other people know how you want to be treated. Additionally, letting other people know how to treat you reinforces the inner narrative that you can trust yourself to take care of you.

What happens after you set a boundary?

Now that we’ve done a quick crash course on boundaries, there are three key reactions to anticipate when you first start setting boundaries. Remember, your family and friends are likely not used to you expressing your needs so clearly and effectively, so it’ll be an adjustment for them as well. Just remember that you’re setting boundaries in order to honor and stay true to your inner child and your spirit. 

1. There is likely to be a reaction, big or small, negative or positive to the set boundary. This is very common. Be prepared to repeat your boundary should the other party not understand or refuse to accept the boundary the first time. 

2. Feelings within you may arise during the setting of the boundary or during the other party’s reaction. Again, this is common. Observe the feelings. Ask, ‘What are these feelings attempting to teach me in this moment?’ Be mindful that previous positive or negative interactions with the other person may trigger you to anticipate or more strongly react to their response. Be mindful and continue to observe, ask, and breathe.

3. Once the boundary is set, you are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to your boundary. Remind yourself that you must always put down the boundary in order to preserve your relationship with self and your peace, regardless of the outside responses. Another helpful tip is to tell yourself that regardless of feelings on either side, you have the ability to acknowledge both party’s feelings and respond with compassion instead of from the space of a wounded ego. 

Similarly, when someone puts a boundary down with you, remember that they’re not trying to hurt you, punish you, or other you. They are simply expressing to you their needs. A good response to someone giving you a boundary looks like: “I can see how expressing this need could be difficult for you. Thank you for sharing with me what it is that you need. In the future, I will do my best to adhere to this boundary.”

Who utilizes boundaries?

Implementing boundaries doesn’t stop with others. It’s also something you can do with yourself! Boundaries with self are tremendously helpful and keep us accountable to ourselves. A boundary with self looks like: “I will not put myself in spaces or positions which conspire to break the bond of trust I’ve cultivated with myself,” AKA “I will not participate in anything which asks of me to abandon myself.” 

When we cave to the pressure of meeting other people’s needs while forsaking our own, we are thrusting ourselves further from self, truth, and peace. In doing so, we also foster distrust in ourselves which can lead to an array of problems on the journey. Normalizing acceptance of people’s limits, needs, and tolerances creates a space more conducive to communicative relational healing. It’s okay for anyone to say, ‘I just can’t do this right now,’ or ‘Sorry, this doesn’t align with my values.’ Remember that boundary setting can feel awkward and be difficult at first. Sometimes all we need is a helping hand or a good example of boundary setting to get us started.

The Bottom Line

Ultimately, boundary setting creates a space of internal safety for us, reinforcing our belief that no matter what we will have our own back. Boundaries also hold us and others accountable for our actions and are conducive to spaces of effective communication, safety, and self-love.