What is Accountability?

WHAT IS ACCOUNTABILITY?

Relationships thrive in a space of love and trust. In order to have a safe space of non-judgement, trust, and care, we must have a crucial building block called accountability. Accountability breeds trust and without it, our relationships will inevitably flounder.

What is accountability?

Accountability is quite simply a recognition that our actions and words have an impact on other people, and when we hurt others with our words or actions it is our duty to mend or make right the harm that our actions cause.

The relationship between accountability and apologizing

One vital element of accountability is issuing apologies. Part of taking responsibility for our actions is knowing when to say we're sorry. Issuing an apology to someone, particularly when they share with us that our actions or words caused them suffering, is critical in mending and maintaining our relationships. It's important to recognize in this process of accountability that we do not get to decide when our actions cause harm. The other party is always the one who decides when our actions have caused harm. So, even if you feel like you didn’t do anything wrong, it’s your obligation still to do something about that harm, whether it was intentionally or unintentionally inflicted. 

What an apology isn't

Since so many people tend to get this wrong, let's go over what an apology isn't. Our society tends to promote shifting the narrative in order to deflect and refrain from taking accountability in order to avoid discomfort or conflict. In promoting this behavior, we have a lot of people who are ill-equipped to taking any sort of accountability, particularly through the action of apology. Thus, many times people don't know the difference between a good apology and a non-apology.

Common examples of what we think of as an apology, but are actually not apologies:

• I’m sorry you feel that way, but that wasn’t my intention. 

• You seem to be overly sensitive. Maybe you should work on that.

• It was just a joke, lighten up. 

• I’m sorry, but….

Each of these examples shifts accountability from the person causing the harm to the person who experienced the harm. None of these examples actually show the person who has caused the harm actually taking responsibility for their words or actions. Instead, the narrative is simply deflected back to the person who experienced the harm.

The perfect apology formula

Since many people have not learned to properly apologize, it can be a tricky thing to learn. Luckily, I've broken it down here for you into four easy, repeatable steps.

1. First acknowledge that you did harm, whether you meant to or not. Hear the person without reacting. Hold space for your emotions while also holding space for the other person.

2. Say you are sorry or issue some type of clear, concise apology.

3. Explain what was happening at the time if the other party doesn’t understand your actions, but only if they ask for an explanation. Do not attempt to excuse your behavior.

4. Commit to mending the relationship and changing the behavior in the future. 

A good example of an apology using this formula sounds like, “I hear your concerns and I acknowledge your feelings, and I am sorry that my actions caused you suffering. Please let me know what I can do in order to mend this situation, because I care about you. I commit to changing the behavior that caused harm so I can continue to be a better friend to you in the future.”

Another good example of an apology crafted using this formula looks like, "I’m sorry I yelled at you last night. I have been under an immense amount of stress but I recognize that it does not excuse my behavior of snapping at you unkindly. I care about you and I’d like the opportunity to make this right, and I apologize. In the future, I'll do a better job of regulating my emotions." 

Why should I apologize and hold myself accountable?

Think about it: typically those we offend or hurt are those who we love. If we constantly see ourselves as adversaries to those individuals, we consider ourselves an adversary to love. Apologizing is a powerful tool in expressing our accountability as an action to our loved one. It’s counter-productive to view our loved ones as the enemy. The notion of separation fools us into believing disagreements must play out in an us versus them scenario, when it’s more accurate to say it’s us versus love or ultimately us versus ourselves since we are all one unified consciousness. The bottom line is that if we truly love someone, it makes little sense to view the person we love as the adversary, even in times of discord.

Instead, remember your true loving nature. Remind yourself that you and your loved one are on the same team. Additionally, utilize your compassion not only for the other party in times of tension, but for yourself as well. We all make mistakes and we can all recognize that our actions have consequences in the world around us including the people invested in our lives. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself grace as you learn to move with accountability. 

Why apologizing and taking accountability can feel bad at first

Occasionally, as we are learning to become more accountable, the process of accountability and apology can make us feel unease. Many people grow up in an environment where they were forced to take blame, ridicule, or shame from an emotionally immature parent. Children often times begin believing the narrative crafted by the parent's actions which reinforces these thoughts of, "I am not enough. I am worthless. I don't deserve love." In these instances, as these children become adults they do not think to themselves when they make a mistake, “I did the wrong thing”; they tend to instead think “I am a bad person.” This breaks the bond of self-trust in the child who later becomes an adult, and convinces that adult that they were just as their parents said, which is undeserving of love, worth, or second chances. If this applies to you, remind yourself that issuing an apology does not mean you are admitting to being a bad person. Instead it means you're admitting you made a mistake and you'd like the chance to correct that mistake.

Why is taking accountability so important?

If we remain accountable in situations which require us to step up and own our actions, we not only continue to mend our relationships and build deeper more meaningful connections, but we also indicate to ourselves that we can trust ourselves enough to love ourselves through our mistakes. In taking accountability, we remind ourselves that we are not a bad person but we just made a mistake that requires correcting because we love the person we are in relationship with enough to do so, and consequently, we love ourselves enough to do so.

Another reason taking accountability is so important in relationships is because a fundamental piece of building trust is accountability. In taking accountability, we breed trust not only with the people in relationship with us but also with ourselves. You begin to trust that you will be there for you. Effectively, we can call out our own bullshit when need be because that helps us to better ourselves along the journey. 

How can I become more accountable?

Choosing accountability can sometimes feel overwhelming, especially when we don't know where to begin. However, if you take the process step-by-step, you'll be a champ at accountability in no time:

1. Work on deconstructing the notion that accountability in any way diminishes you as a person. Change your perspective to see that accountability simply means that we as human beings do things and say things that affect other people. When those people are adversely affected by our words or actions, it’s imperative to take accountability in order to mend those relationships and to build self-trust in the relationship with ourselves.

2. Let go of any conditioned shame, insecurity, or negative self-worth associated with apologizing and accountability. You are not a bad person because you take accountability for an action and apologize; quite the opposite: emotionally mature people who engage in accountability recognize that love can only flourish in spaces where trust and accountability are present.

3. Practice your apologies. It’s not silly to need to practice if you’re not used to making clear, concise apologies. You only improve through practice.

4. Work on creating a safe space in your relationships. Through accountability, we reassure our loved ones that we can provide a space of non-judgement, and that mistakes are okay to make. When we model safety through accountability with those in relationship with us, it builds trust while also fostering clarity and good communication skills in our relationships. Eventually both partners will feel comfortable expressing concerns and needs, forging deeper relational trust and intimacy. 

5. Ask others to hold you to your commitment to accountability. Ask friends or family to call you out, gently and with kindness, when you say or do something that causes harm or crosses a boundary.

The best thing you can do to become more accountable is practice, practice, practice and deconstruct any notion that taking accountability diminishes you as a person in any way. As always, you are enough. You're doing the work just by being here and reading this article. Life sometimes requires us to deconstruct the old programming and install newer, better programs as learn from our mistakes. Practice accountability with your apologies, and it’ll become second nature in no time.

For more, in depth information check out this hour long podcast on Spotify that goes into detail about the importance of accountability in the human experience!