The Universe in an Evelyn

Still, something bothered me. Was all of this legitimately me having a human moment, a vulnerable, raw, and messy confrontation with my old self, or was this just me pacifying my ego to obfuscate the truth: that maybe, I’m just an asshole. I called my best friend.

“Sis, here’s the deal, if I’m being honest…” I began with some reluctance. I tell her the story of all of this, and the thoughts that followed. I questioned if I was just a bad human after all.

“Let yourself feel the feelings,” she started, “that girl is just trying to be seen. That’s the old you who was hurting. Let her be.”

It was sudden, searing. Tears welled. Yes, it was just the young woman who was so lost and unloved, breaking. Let her be…

We chatted some more. We talk about life and purpose, what does it all mean? I slowly come to the conclusion that it is my actions in this scenario and all scenarios that matter, not the fleeting thoughts or biased feelings I may have.

“It is not your job to judge yourself, or your past self. Do not criticize her, either. The people who have abused you have already done these things to you. Why would you re-traumatize yourself and become your own abuser?”

And it all comes full circle, like a lightening strike. At one time, it was the people who scarred me that caused the initial pain; but that affliction was only made once. It was my own inner critic who kept reopening the wounds over and over with my self-inflicted shame. Perpetuating my own suffering for all those years caused me to feel more intense shame in the moment, but for only a minute. Finally, I started to really absorb the lesson. I am not here to criticize myself and my feelings. I am here to feel the feelings, hold myself in love, and move forward.

But then what does it mean to be a good person? Is being good or bad, right or wrong a construct that exists at all?

“Then it is my actions that matter in this case, not my thoughts or feelings so much?” I question.

“Humans have been having the same issues for many years,” my friend began, channelling the upper wisdom of the universe as she so often does. “For thousands of years, humans have been trying to solve the same problems. The world is always in trouble. These issues will persist throughout our time here, and then we will die, and these issues will continue to persist. All we can do is hang in the balance. The universe is like a scale. It is either in balance, or it is not in balance. We can only do our job within ourselves to stay on the balancing side of the scale.”

No right, no wrong, there is only balance. Life consumes life. Everybody dies. The tide rolls in and out. All is just what it is.

“In the context of believing that the universe is Source experiencing itself in all iterations,” I begin as realizations begin to hit, “then nothing is inherently good and nothing is inherently bad.”

“I was wondering if you were going to get that,” she said, as we both laugh. This is not the first time we have had this conversation.

“In that case, everything is really nothing in the grand scheme of things, and nothing is actually everything.” I reply.

“Exactly,” she says.

“So…” I pause. “Then, nihilism is really not a bad ethos after all,” I say as we both laugh again.

“But honestly, if we believe the reason we are here is so our individuation of Source can just experience what it is like to be ‘me’, then our purpose must be to just be.”

Or create, in my case. Most humans live in the context of creation. Most of us must create in order to thrive. Of course, this is all subjective conjecture, and one must subscribe to this ethos in order to believe everything discussed in our conversation. But a few truths remain steady regardless:

We are all human. None of us know perfection. We all make mistakes, have bad days, have good days, suffer, and love in some way. Everybody lives, and then, everybody dies.

Faith is also integral to the human experience. Each one of us believes in something, even if it is a belief in nothing.

Lastly, it all comes full circle in the end. All of it. My shame. The healing. Forgiving everyone for all of the heartaches, including myself. The removal of the veil between life and death. It just is what it all is. The secrets of the universe are so vast, and I am left in awe of them each and every moment.

Finding the gratitude in the silver linings is difficult, but necessary in order to continue creating a life of joy. The silver lining, for me, is resolving old trauma - a gift that forever keeps on giving to the world. The other silver lining is recognizing that we all change. A reminder that we all deserve compassion, and that we are all enough.