The Importance of Community

Every day I’ve been alive I’ve spent at least a fraction of it questioning myself; sitting in self-doubt, wondering if I’m enough. Every day until somewhat recently, that is.

Many years of my effort, my talent, my very being was spent picked apart by those who couldn’t stand to see someone else shine:

“You can’t sing. Shut up already.”

“You know you can’t be famous if you’re fat, right?”

“Being in entertainment is useless. Get a real job. Pursue your hobbies in your free time.”

“You’re too sensitive. How are you so naive? You’re such a prude.”

“How could you even ask that? Are you serious? What a dumb question.”

“Look out for number one. You better look out for yourself at all costs because no one else will.”

That last one almost sank me forever, crippled me for fifteen years. For so long I wanted to believe in the goodness of people, the inherent magic of humanity. Yet, for so long, I’d been proven again and again that no one would look out for me, not even myself. Why should I? I’d been conditioned to believe by my community that I wasn’t worth the trouble of being protected, of feeling safe, of being allowed to be human. In the same vein, when one becomes subhuman, one believes they have no worthy knowledge, no intuition that’s worth tapping into, no opinion that holds any water with anyone, including ourselves. It’s no wonder I spent twenty years steeped in self-doubt, like a tea over-steeped to the point of fermented self-despair.

Somewhere along the journey of healing I recognized a simple universal truth: we are human. I am human. Being human doesn’t mean expecting the worst or coveting the best, but knowing that love and compassion and the quest for belonging define us all. When love, compassion, and the quest for belonging go wrong, so do our lives. The ways in which we relate, the ways in which we communicate, and the ways in which we seek out fulfillment and purpose are corrupted, damaged by the criticism, neglect, and abuses of our past.

Once I had a better grasp of the nature of humanity, I started to understand myself better. Knowing childhood trauma wired my brain into something dysfunctional that could be rewired into what it should’ve been all along presented me with an abundance of hope. As I started to activate those withered pathways and starved the survival pathways, I started to be able to feel in all my fullness again. Belonging became shaped by healthy community instead of the need for desperate longing, love shaped by compassion and steady perseverance instead of quid-pro-quo and the misconception of interlocking emotional puzzle pieces. I started to embrace my self, recognizing my tepidness as a survival mechanism that I no longer required. Knowing I could fully be myself opened the door to the possibility of loving that self. I could find my people only when I knew who I was as a person. For the first time in forever, I was able and open to shining again.

As I grew in my self-confidence and in my knowing, I began to find community all around. Some had been present all along, others came later, and a few had to be let go for the greater good of the soul. A hard lesson on this road is that not everyone will come with us as we take on this mega metamorphosis. Some will feel threatened by our changes, some will feel envious, some will feel personally slighted and bitter. Only we know our truth - that our transformation has nothing to do with anyone but ourselves and that spiritual growth necessitates breaking free from the old paradigm, the old beliefs in which we once stood firm (where many of our friends and loved ones still stand, unwilling to challenge their dedicated stances) and embracing the new lessons of our life’s journey. During this process, we naturally lose some of those we loved along the way. The important piece to remember is that even though they are no longer parallel to our path, our love for them remains in our heart.

After the shedding of old relationships and the old paradigms that kept us stuck, new relationships begin to take shape. Old friends we lost touch with long ago come back into our lives, new friends show up, and even some of our consistent friendships begin to grow with us on our new path. In each relationship there's an understanding that healthy community matters. There is a mutual understanding that relations are based in loving kindness, compassion, and perseverance. Healthy relationships exhibit elements of mutual respect, outward and inner honesty, trust in both oneself and the person in which we are with in relationship, aspects of mutual accountability, and open two-way communication. Once these guidelines are established and understood, we are able to really be in authentic community with one another.

Each of my friendships looks similar but different. What one person provides for me and I provide in return looks different from the next relationship. This doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong; it just means we each have different love languages, communication styles, and ways of showing up.

A good sister-friend of mine feels like divine home to me because we are so close in our alignment, so deeply seen by one another. We can joke and laugh and switch over to talking about the most serious, intimate details of our lives. We have a unique way of creating joy together wherever we go. There is never a dull or superficial conversation between us, and we show up for one another in the love language of quality time, words of affirmation, and acts of service. We also hold each other accountable to ourselves and to one another.

On the flip side, I have a friend who is not as close - we hardly speak but are always there for one another in other ways. I find that she and I constantly support one another in the expression of our souls, our creations. We have a deep respect for one another on a soul level, as we both care so much about the welfare of Mother Earth and her children. We lift each other up through inspiration and words of affirmation via social media DMs, and this relationship is enough the way it is for now. One day this relationship may shift, but in this season we are both content with our level of commitment and support. There is no less love and admiration between us; it only looks different.

Another type of friend is one who is strictly online - someone I met years and years ago through the internet and we have built a mutual creative respect for one another that blossomed into friendship. He continues to inspire me every day with the fervor in which he chases his ambitions. We both laugh a lot together & we can not speak for many months but have the ability to pick up right where we left off without issue. We genuinely enjoy each other’s personalities & have a good time together. Recently we shared point blank exactly how we’ve inspired each other regardless of the modality and frequency of contact. We have a friendly, enduring admiration, respect, and love for one another as humans being and that’s all that we need.

Other relationships in my life look similarly, but different. Some are built on childhood bonds and deepened through enduring connection. Others are new based in a sense of belonging over shared experiences. Many are based in mutual respect and adoration. A few of us even bond over the scary things in life. Regardless of the emotional vehicle used to connect, the love languages in which we communicate, and the experiences we choose to bond over, each relationship endures in loving kindness through mutual respect, accountability, honesty, and trust.

These friendships drive the basis of how we interact in the world and what we ultimately end up believing about ourselves. If our friends hold negativity as their primary mode of communication, we eventually value negativity as a primary modality of communicating. If our friends are prone to gossiping as a way to form bonds, we too will be swayed toward accepting gossip as a primary function of bonding. However, if our friends value mutual respect in relationship, we tend to value mutual respect in relationship. If our friends value kindness in relationship, we value kindness in relationship. These values construct the foundation of what we begin to believe about ourselves as well. If we judge our friends to be negative and gossipy, it’s only a matter of time before we realize we also value negativity and gossiping. Our minds are naturally inclined to judge not only others, but ourselves too. Eventually, we hold ourselves in contempt for these values we’ve amassed in relationship to others. The answer is to first let go of judgement and then give yourself grace. After all, you are only human and you only know what you know. Next, challenge all of your current beliefs - begin to cultivate new values within your belief structure and seek out others who hold similar values to your own. The best part of life is that it is not static, it is always changing - that means we are always available to change, too.

One of my friends sent me a screenshot the other night of my podcast in their queue. Little did this person realize that my podcast showed up on the same screen as Childish Gambino. For those who aren’t privy, Childish Gambino (DONALD GLOVER) is one of my favorite artists of all time, and the last concert I ever saw. I highly admire him for a variety of reasons. He’s a creative genius, a multi-talent. He’s incredibly soft, kind, endearing, honest, courageous, and everything you’d want to be as a creator and honestly, as a human being. Seeing my photograph in such close proximity to his left me in awe. I realized that I was no longer chasing success. I was no longer ‘trying’; I was doing. I am doing. The world’s definition of success may come in the form of dollar signs and billboard ads but mine comes in the form of walking my path and being in my truth. The truth is, my face is next to Donald Glover’s face on someone’s phone in someones library. The creative work that I do is reaching people, and it’s beginning in the best space; my own community. The work is reaching my friends, whom I dearly love, first. I thanked the friend for sharing the screenshot with me, acknowledging this very same epiphany via text. Without even knowing it, the universe re-affirmed me through that person. Without this friend, without this community I’ve built and loved, I never would’ve been available to receiving the message of my divine greatness. Through the universe, community, and friendships, anything truly is possible.