Letting Go

Where do I begin? An apology to readers and friends? Another update on life? Choices, choices.

I’ll start with you: I’m sorry for this last year; maybe even the last two. After careful consideration, and listening to 30+ hours of Buddhist content this past week, I’ve concluded that I have been in a state of perpetual resistance.

Resistance to illness, resistance to change, resistance to life. This resistance was born out of deep loneliness and fear, two very powerful forces that keep us in the grip of suffering.

Suffering that has seeped out of me, pervasive and sneaking. It happened so slowly that I missed it. Loneliness which turned to resentment. Heartache that transformed into terrible grief. Grief, which tore me asunder. Fear disguised as snark, rudeness, and self-loathing, poured out of me like a leaking dam. All of which lead to a pity party that I could not leave, for I didn’t even realize I was an attendee, let alone the host.

Strong feelings, especially loneliness, combined with fear and grief make us do wild things. Eventually, they can even rob us of ourselves. When we perpetuate our own suffering, it can become endless. Nothing can be seen or felt through the thick fog of wallow.

After my POTs diagnosis in 2021, I worked tirelessly to do two things: 1) love myself and 2) learn to let go.

Studying Buddhism these last 10+ years has given me a good foundation for learning to let go and to use compassion to better love oneself. In the two years that followed, my life transformed.

I applied letting go to everything, but mostly to my health. I’d exhausted myself spending years just trying to find answers. When the answers were somewhat hollow, and my hair was falling out, I decided enough was enough. All my adult life I’d dealt with adversity by either self-medicating or utilizing control.

Control gave me a sense of stability, something to ground myself within. Controlling situations, surroundings, even people, meant that I could create a predictable and safe environment, so that my nervous system would remain unthreatened. The issue with this approach, of course, aside from the fact that over time it does not work, is the simple realization that I forgot to account for one major flaw: life is essentially a string of perpetual uncertainties. There is no stability; there is nothing to hold onto. Thus, in 2021 after grueling months of medical testing, trials, errors, and more, I decided to let go of control and lean into uncertainty.

It was challenging. It was hard, even. Yet, after lots of time and repetition through meditation and other techniques, I mostly achieved the ability to love, and let go. I never did it perfectly every time, but none of us do. It was significant enough that it changed my demeanor, my outlook, and my physical health. Severe gastric pain I’d had for two years slowly faded. My POTs symptoms greatly improved. I wasn’t healed, but I also was no longer absolutely miserable. I felt anew.

I tell you this to write that I recognize that somewhere along the way, I forgot to let go. One day, in a moment of fear, I resisted and controlled instead of letting go. And then I resisted the next day, and the next, until I find myself where I am now: in a full-blown rebellion.

Rebellion of Buddha self. Of spirit. Of love.

I never intended it. Somehow it just snowballed. It’s funny how life does this to us. It’s like how one starts a diet and says, “Well, I’ll only have one cookie a day.” Then we say, “Two cookies just one time won’t hurt.” Until we end up eating an entire box of cookies. We ask ourselves, “How did I go from one cookie, to a whole box?!” Our ego just slips right past us.

In my case, I allowed fear to be the ego’s gateway drug into suffering. It’s so easy to do. One day, I felt bad - and instead of meditation, or expressing gratitude, or even just sitting and witnessing - I ran. I resisted. Months have gone by and it took me being bed-bound and in one of the most miserable states of my life to identify it. This always seems to be the way.

Over the last three days, I began to implement the tools of letting go again. I felt my feelings, but I did not ruminate on them. Did you know that an emotion only lasts 90 seconds? Anything beyond that is a story perpetuated by the mind. 90 seconds; I would feel for that minute and a half and move on. I deployed the best tool of all: mindfulness.

Mindfulness allows one to sit in the present moment. To recognize that we can only achieve happiness, joy, love, goodness in the present moment, as it is the only moment that truly exists. But what happens when the present moment feels unbearable?

Acknowledging my feelings and letting them go has been crucial to my recovery. Instead of allowing my mind to spin its conspiracy theories about what could be, I just sat with what is. Thoughts are not facts. Feelings are not facts. What is, is.

Another useful tool has been gratitude. When I am feeling anxiety, or I find I am frustrated at my slow healing, I list aloud whatever I am grateful for that comes to mind.

Meditation is also a great tool. When meditating, I only do short bursts as I ease myself back into the habit. Two minutes or less at one time. In those two minutes, I observe and I let go. Thoughts arise and I label them “just thinking” as they quickly float away. Feelings come up, and I sit with them, my old friends, emotion.

Life throws us many a curve ball on this wild ride. Learning to lean into discomfort, heartache, and even pain are vital in achieving happiness. All these months I’d spent so much time resisting; feeding my ego, hoping it would protect me through its harshness. All it did was create more suffering, more misery.

I’m grateful to have rediscovered my true self. I’m grateful for Buddhism. I’m grateful that I’ve learned to come home to myself again.

This is not to say I will not struggle. The reality is that life is a series of experiences which bring a myriad of challenges and possibilities. Each moment is an opportunity to remain open. To receive life, whatever it may bring. As long as I know that I have myself and my Buddha nature, the nature that is loving kindness, I shall not fail. Bringing myself back again and again to the here and now I shall, because it is truly all we have.