Conversations with a little one...

One thing that I’ve learned from having kids is that parenting is hard. There’s really no other experience in life like becoming a parent. The other main issue that no one explains to us about becoming parents is that raising children is not only difficult, but at times, it’s unexpectedly hilarious. These are highlights from conversations me and my husband have had over the last four months with our charming 6-year-old who I will call ‘D’.

D: God didn’t let us time travel because we would go to the past and get eaten by dinosaurs. 

Me: Really?

D: Oh yeah, because you’d be stuck in a dinosaur forever. Unless dinosaurs poop...

Jon (D’s dad): They did. 

D: Well, you could get out but then youd be stuck in a poop dumplet forever. 

D: Why do my pants get tight?

Jon: Well part of it is growing, and part of it has been too many unhealthy snacks and not enough playing outside.

D: But I thought you guys want me to be me. And sneaking snacks is me. 

Jon: Well, no, we want you to eat healthy snacks and be a healthy version of you. 

D: There is no healthy me. 

Nobody: 

*Jon gives D markers*

D: YES! The prophecy has been fulfilled!

D: Are we going to see Mawmaw and Papaw first on the vacation?

Me: No, we are seeing Nana first.

D: Ohhh I get it. Because nana is going to die soon.

Me: No. That’s just the day we could see her this time.

Jon: Hey Dax!

Me: Is that what you’re calling D now?

Jon: I’ve been calling him that!

D: No, you haven’t.

Jon: He loves it.

D: I hate it.

To be honest, I’m excited that he’s already putting up boundaries at six.

Jon: We should get goats.

Me: Well, you gotta feed them just like you would dogs.

D: *distressed* We would have to feed the goats dogs?!

D: Mom, I’ve stopped making bad decisions forever.

Me: Oh, really?

D: Yeah, and since I am no longer making bad choices I’m pretty much grown up. I just wanted you to know.

There you have it: how to deal with dinosaurs, being authentic, manifesting destiny, accepting death, setting boundaries, advocating for animals, and becoming a grown up in the words of a smart, hilarious 6-year-old.

*NOTE: He’s been funny practically since birth…

Dad: Goodnight son.

D: Dad, why do you smell like ribs?

—

Me: I don’t feel great because I’m on my period.

D: What’s a period again?

Me: Remember how we talked about adult bodies before, and puberty?

D: Okay mom, you’re probably just out of eggs.

—

Me: I don’t know why Jadzia (our dog) always whines when she rides with your dad. She’s very good with me.

D: I bet when she’s with dad she’s super bored.

—

Dad: You need to take a shower cause I bet you have swamp butt.

D: Your face is a swamp butt.

—

THE END.