Beyond

What is beyond the veil of death? A question that has plagued philosophers, scientists, and the common man since the inception of humanity.

Today, I’ve told myself, is the last day I’ll allow myself to write about Nana for a while. Yesterday, she was finally laid to rest, and I broke after reading her eulogy and sobbed.

She was buried in my favorite place. It’s a secret no one knows, but I spent several afternoons in my early twenties at the familial gravesite. I’d never met a single person buried there, but I would have liked too. When life got tough and confusing, I would go out to the graveyard and sit on the hood of my car and watch the sunset. Despite not having known any of them, I felt this gravitational pull to the site. Something inside me knew this was where I needed to be as I sorted out the challenges of life.

It’s a little church and graveyard in the middle of nowhere. There are rolling hills fronting a big blue skyline, with what seems like forever on the horizon. There is no sound but the sounds of nature; which I always enjoy since it’s the way I grew up. A few trees stand here and there, with the wind jostling their leaves. The corn sways back and forth in autumn. The bean leaves almost glisten and flutter in spring. Birdsong fills the gaps of silence. There’s nothing but you, the sun, the sky, and the animals chirping on the breeze.

I’m so glad she was laid to rest there with her mother, son, and so many others. I’m glad she’s at one of my most favorite places. When I go back to Indiana, that will be one of the places that still most feels like home.

Snow covers the ground where I am currently. More snow is on the way. Looking out at the beautiful covering, I had a thought.

Our new puppy, Oak, was brought up at a farm in the dead of winter. Before my husband picked him up, he’d never been outside. Oak’s first experience of being outside was that of snow covered ground. As far as Oak is concerned, there is no other kind of ground - only snow. What a shock he will discover in the spring…

I wonder to myself; is death like that? Is death like thinking that snow is all there is, until one day the snow melts and suddenly, as natural as air, there’s ground and grass and a whole new kind of life underneath? Is snow like the veil between life and death? And once it melts and dissolves we realize, “oh, there’s so much more” and there has been all along?

I hope so. What a nice surprise that would be.

I wish she would come to visit me. Come so that I may see her off, and to wish me well in my dreams. Or that I may see her in life, that she would speak and let me know she is alright - better than alright. That she is whole once more.

What is out there, in the beyond? None of us can say. Only those who have traveled there may know. One day, it’ll be our turn to know.

For now, I prepare my final goodbye. Today I have decided that we will honor Nana one last time by making her favorite - pie. We will sit and play cards, drink coffee, and eat pie, because those are the things she and I did together. I may have to take up golf in the future, too. For now, she would’ve loved a day of my family sitting with her and playing games, waiting for the sun to go down to signal it was time to go. But she always would invite us back the next day. Unfortunately, tomorrow in this case will never come, but maybe she will be there to greet me the day that it’s my turn to look beyond the veil.