Becoming

A journal entry from October 2020:

“Purple mountains majesty, Kentucky tobacco road bring me home. Imposter syndrome hits hard at times when I’m reminded I’m not in the cornfields of where I was born anymore. How does one make a new home on such foreign land? The best place to be is the sea. The sea reminds me that water is the home of life, the home of everything in existence. Washing waves cleanse the soul of sins and sinners, liars and frauds. The water brings us the gift of peace.

I’ve never found a home in any place – not a real one. Some places are more comfortable than others, more familiar. Maybe that’s why New England seems so distant - it’s not just the landscape, climate, flora and fauna, but also the culture, people, and vibe-it’s all so different. Perhaps that’s why I find the trees so inviting and why I yearn for the fields of grass in Lincoln. Familiarity.

The question underlying really boils down to, is familiarity what makes a home? The brain isn’t sure but the soul knows. So, what is it then? What makes a home if not the comforts and ease or the beauty and the majesty?

Massachusetts is home to some of the most beautiful works of nature I’ve ever encountered. Maine, too. Both have, in theory, everything I said that I needed to love and live my life to its optimal prime. Upon evaluation, it looks and sometimes feels like perfection, but spirit quietly sighs. It was never the scenery all along. It was never the access, the opportunity, the natural beauty, none of it. I must only speculate that it must be the chase, the thrill of the adventure to myself. New England is just another lens through which to experience the soul. Shall one dare ask what happens when the chase is over? Do I revel in who I’ve become?”

A fascinating insight into my mind at the time, a time when I felt so untethered, lost to the world. A year ago I still thought there was some code to crack, some secret key hidden outside myself which would unlock everything I needed to know and maybe even provide a cure for the inner turmoil created by uncertainty. For it did not end up being a key I sought, but only connection. Connection to others, connection to nature, but mostly the connection to myself. I’ve always been good at peering through the looking glass within, observing from afar. What I did lack was the ability to not be only the observer of my own inner self. Becoming and embodying spirit, bridging the gap between being the observer of life and my human condition to becoming life and gaining a sense of humanity was what I woefully misunderstood.

A global pandemic ended up being the catalyst to freedom. The idea of change settled inside my bones like the bitter chill of a cold winter day. Adverse to change in many ways, so as not to disturb the manufactured inner peace of complacency, the idea of change was initially off-putting. To bask in the warmth of contentment, foregoing change and any opportunity for growth at that time in the journey remained enticing. I had been through a lot of soul work and I was tired, resistant to the thought of anything but rest. Anything to pacify the discomfort created by the anxiety festering underneath my big, comforting blanket of contentment I supported. Yet, the idea of change continued to rattle my bones until I began to lose sleep at night. I walked for miles in the beginning of the covid19 terror to ease the pangs of the calling. While most focused on the despair emanating from the many corners of the world, I finally zeroed in on this buzzing within my blood. The era of change was upon us and I surrendered to the notion that I could not change the future. Change was coming, I was just left to choose what kind.

In a time where disbelief and fear ran rampant throughout the collective consciousness, my consciousness was still for the first time in forever. The decision only took days, moments if I really look back on it. Unsure about the unknown awaiting me in the future, skeptical of my ability to succeed, the act of staying seemed even more treacherous. The decision had been made – I would move a thousand miles away to Boston. Not knowing how or why or anything other than the next step, I carried on. Spirit knew that in order for me to evolve, to bridge the gap between the separated body, mind, and spirit, I must go to Boston. Never in my life had I been so certain of anything. The decision brought me great relief and peace, something that I knew wouldn’t be happening had it been the wrong choice.

The rest is history. Before leaving Kentucky, I began to have intuitive flashes of the future – feelings, pictures in my mind of everything evolving. Nothing was scary. In fact, I only became more and more relieved after aligning with spirit for the first time in decades. She was there, nudging me forward and for the first time in years, I walked with her.

Reminiscing on the past, I read what I wrote last October after arriving in Massachusetts and I feel compassion for myself then and fulfillment for myself now, knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that the decision I made was sound. The winter of unknowing almost broke me, leaving me without friends or faith, but the rain always precedes the blossom. Trudging alone through the pain into the depths of my soul gave me that once elusive faith. Showing myself compassion, loving myself through the awfulness left me becoming. Embodiment of the lessons of love for oneself provided me strength, courage, and peace. Now that I love myself because I remained open to acting on the intuition of spirit over a year ago, I have gained true freedom – the freedom to love and embody everything it means to be Sunny, without any lingering apprehension or shame. I remain grateful to the universe for illuminating the way, cradling me under the sun and the stars, reminding me that I’m never left completely in the dark.

To answer my own question from a year ago, I absolutely do revel in who I’ve become after the journey of re-unification with oneself as I celebrate the awesome vibrancy of my just being.