7 Steps to Overcoming Codependency

Looking for a quick how-to with deconstructing co-dependency? You're in the right place. For a comprehensive look at co-dependency in relationships, check out this in-depth Sunshine Wilder podcast. For those who prefer to read or are short on time, here's 7 steps in overcoming codependency:

1. Commit to working on YOU

Step one is relatively simple and easy to start, but the tricky part is maintaining the commitment to working on self. Simply start by saying, "I am committed to working on me because I am committed to loving me." You can repeat this to yourself anytime along the journey as a sort of mantra to keep you motivated.

2. Practice Self-Validation

Validation is often something we look for outside of ourselves. Typically this comes from deep-rooted insecurities and a suppression of our intuitive nature and/or a lack of trust in self. Instead of feeling the need to have someone else tell you you're worthy, lovable, beautiful - give that to yourself by telling those wonderful things to yourself. Quite literally spend time saying out loud affirmations such as, "I am lovable. I am beautiful. I am enough,"

3. Cultivate self-love

In the exploration of self-love, we must address our deepest insecurities. How do we do this? Easy - love on those insecurities until they wither away. Love yourself intentionally and go at your own pace. Start by choosing things that you find are easier to love and work your way up. Learning to integrate even the parts of us we have disconnected from or that have long held immense amounts of shame is vital to the process of self-love. If you're unfamiliar with how to do this, utilize mirror work. Ultimately, recognize more than anything else that the love you're looking for is your own.

4. Always take accountability

Accountability boils down to the understanding that our actions and our words have an impact on other people, and when those actions or words cause harm we need to make amends. Learn to properly apologize and become accountable. Don't let your ego take it personally when someone expresses their suffering because of your actions. Bring clarity to your own needs and how to meet them so you don't fall into unhealthy patterns of using others to meet your needs and then not taking accountability for your actions or words. Be cognizant that our actions and words do impact other people and it's our job to make sure we are intentional in speaking and doing.

5. Strengthen your boundaries

Get clear on your proverbial lines in the sand. Use boundaries to show others where you begin and end and they begin and end. Utilize the simplest and most effective boundary word: 'no.' Make sure your boundaries separate you as a person from your partner. To have a close and intimate relationship, we cannot fall into enmeshment. Clear, concise boundaries communicate to others what we are and are not willing to do. Additionally, boundaries build self-trust in strengthening our personal relationship with self by reaffirming that we will always be there for ourselves.

6. Prioritize yourself

Prioritize yourself. By putting yourself first you aren't being selfish - you're actually recognizing that in order to have healthy relationships you must do a good job of meeting your own needs and engaging in self-care. Commit to healthy relationships where those who are making a concerted effort are prioritized in your life.

7. Learn how to trust yourself

Build self-trust. Know that you can trust yourself and your intuition to guide you to what is right. A good tip when building self-trust in sticky situations is to ask yourself if it is your wounded ego speaking, your inner child, or your soul self. Our ego tries to convince us of many things. Our inner child may be frantic, fearful, or angry. Our soul self just quietly, peacefully knows. Both the ego and inner child require re-assurance in these situations and can show up in a volatile manner, whereas the spirit requires neither re-assurance nor pacification. Be sure to heed your spirit self when it speaks to you, as that's your true self attempting to guide you on your highest path in life.

All in all, remember that self-sacrifice is not love. Self-abandonment is not love. The exchange of meeting other peoples needs while others meet our needs is not love. Even in using the 7 steps to overcoming codependency, keep in mind that only in loving ourselves and working on opening ourselves to intimacy can we truly experience an authentic, loving relationship.